No to Fear, Yes to Jesus

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” -1 John:18-20

This past semester was literally a wrestling match between me, Jesus and the devil. After going through a tough break up, I was excited to dive into my classes and delve deep into the Word. Unfortunately, my first day of classes felt like a smack in the face, and immediately resulted in tears and frustration. Exhausted is an extreme euphemism for how I was feeling that day. I didn't think I had the brains, strength, courage or physical stamina to handle my classes, or my transition from summer bliss to school stress. I felt like Satan was attacking me from every angle. I crossed into a place that bred comparison and ate people like me for breakfast. I knew in my heart that God would equip me for a difficult semester, but the combination of Satan and piles of homework seemed to be standing in my way. I felt trapped.

Satan really is a punk. He chained me with insecurity and weighed my heart down with hopelessness. Not only did I start to compare myself with my classmates, but also with my friends. A yucky, comparative spirit brooded within me, and reared its ugly head whenever things weren't going my way. I lashed out with words when I should’ve been countering lies with love. I was losing control.

At this point in the semester, my internal struggle became a physical battle. I lost ten pounds, my hair was falling out, and my bruises and pallor were distinct. Even walking up the stairs with a backpack on became difficult because of my weakness. My body seemed to be crumbling. Comparison and bitterness’ grip was so tight, I forgot how to ask for help. How could someone like me, a Jesus-loving, dedicated girl from Hope College fall into the pits of anorexia? How in the world did I get to this point? I wanted answers so desperately, but I felt like God was being quiet. I continued my pursuit of Him, but was constantly reminded of my deteriorating health every time I looked in a mirror. I couldn't control my situation, but I could control how much I ate. Like I said before, Satan really is a punk.

A wise person once told me, “Say no to fear and yes to Jesus.” I didn't realize this at first, but saying yes to Jesus means you have to deal with the fears you keep hidden. You know what I mean, those little worries you keep locked away so nobody will know that you’re broken. The hurt that builds up and festers until you can’t bear its weight anymore. Yes, those awful fears. At my lowest point, I laid my burden before the Lord. I sat at his feet, and offered up the sacrifice of myself. Those fears that I was unworthy of love and that I wasn't good, smart, or beautiful enough were buried at the foot of the cross. He knew me in my weakness. He knew my heart. He knew my struggle. He heard my cry. God definitely wasn't being silent... he was being patient.

Ask Jesus for help. He won’t disappoint you. His intentions are pure, his love is strong, and his arms are big. He wants to catch you. God is slowly mending my wounds of last semester, and I am staying close to him, falling into his arms when I mess up. He deserves all honor and glory, for there is NO way I could have crawled out of that pit alone. Through this battle I learned that there really is power in the name of Jesus, and he wants his children well. Even if it takes surrendering the lies every single day, Jesus is always faithful in his pursuit of us. Embrace vulnerability, and don’t be afraid to admit that you’re broken. Let Jesus catch you... because he is an awesome lifeguard. He’s never failed, and he won’t start now.



If this is something you struggle with, and would like prayer, or want to share your story, email us at lettersofhope7@gmail.com